Super Bowl Weekend In Miami

Super Bowl weekend and Miami. A marriage made in porn heaven.

Miami already has its reputation with the Girls of South Beach videos of Playboy fame. Adding in an occasion like the biggest NFL game of the year only adds to the pornification.

On the Saturday night beforehand, Playboy and Maxim will throw their parties  _ invite only. But for the rest there’s Leather and Laces, featuring various actress/model/bikini-wearing women doing something under the pretext of football.

According to the Miami Herald, P. Diddy has already rented for the weekend the biggest of the so-called gentlemen’s clubs known as the King of Diamonds.

Then there’s the envelope-pushing ads on television; the obligatory Go Daddy ad with a well-endowed woman lacking discretion.  There will be countless other ads with a more-than-usual sexual theme about them.

And don’t forget the lingerie bowl at halftime.

We are awash in pornography. More cleavage and tight clothes all round.

Fox Sports recently redesigned its website and included on the standard menu options for “Babes” and “Hooters.” Fox Sports isn’t alone, Sports Illustrated will publish its swimsuit issue soon.

And for those who don’t want to go a day without some soft porn, SI’s website has on its main page a swimsuit model of the day, and a link to literally thousands more pictures.

i  have been down this road. It leads to no good.

With all our culture’s illicit sex mixed with sports, we need to stop acting aghast at the likes of Tiger Woods. We are creating a culture which endorses his behavior in practice even as commentators denounce it verbally. Truth be told, our pornified culture is shaping all men so that they become Tiger Woods.

 

And Yet More On The Journey

i have been asked by many people what made the difference between attempts to change, which were numerous throughout my past, and then the Real Change which was ushered in through that fateful conversation with my wife.

There are many components to it. i had tried numerous times to conquer my addiction. Each time i had failed miserably. There were some aspects of this time which were unique, however.  First, i was outed. And when sin is brought into the light, the power is broken. Second, i was weary. Sin made me weary. Third, i had had a series of strange experiences in the year preceding the fateful conversation which shook me regarding pornography. i see now that God was breaking in and rattling my cage in preparation for a moment like what happened that night with my wife.

i was also greatly motivated to change because my wife was livid. i bore her wrath _ which i saw then, and still see now, as appropriate. In fact, my wife’s fury was God’s gift to me — as strange as that sounds. And she took her time to work through it. Neither one of us said it out loud, but we weren’t sure the marriage was going to make it. She considered it adultery and she talked to one friend about it in terms of divorce.

i was scared to death; terrified. i realized it was a matter of life and death. Really. i am not being melodramatic here.

Porn was consuming me and would have devoured my life, killing me spiritually, emotionally and _ very possibly _ physically. i was willing to take bigger and bigger risks to get my drug, and that could have turned very ugly.

 

More On The Journey

Recently i have been asked numerous questions about my journey out of pornography addiction by people who are either struggling themselves or are just interested to know the story. The answers to most questions on this subject are long and involved.

But as to the Confession itself, here is some background:

i was brought to the place of my addiction being out in the open in spite of all of my best attempts to keep it hidden. There was no way i would have confessed this on my own. i was too much of a coward and a deceiver. The crucial moment came when my wife told me a story and then posed question which was completely unexpected. She relayed to me a story of a husband and wife we both knew from college. My wife tells the story of this in the audio called “A Marriage Transformed” available on the blog in the section “Essays and More.”

The question which caught me off guard was as simple and direct as it was profound and unexpected. She wanted to know if i had looked at porn since the day we were married. i initially deflected, making a reference to a time when i _ overcome with guilt _ had confessed to looking at a porn magazine. But my wife would not be dismissed so easily. She pressed on and i was exposed. Even if i had said nothing, my facial expression and body language betrayed me.

Although i had prided myself on my ability to hide it so well over the years, that facade unravelled. i see that simple question posed by my wife as a blessing in disguise. it started me on a path toward freedom. Painful though it was, the journey was required if i were ever to know real life and freedom.

 

Coming Alive And Growing In Healing Doesn’t Mean An End To Pain

This week has run the spectrum for me. i have felt exceptionally alive; desperately lonely; unspeakably sad; and quietly victorious.

It’s a common misconception among men i have worked with dealing with pornography addiction that being healed of the addiction will mean escaping from the pain life has to offer.

Not so. But i have to admit, sometimes i can be lulled into that false belief myself.

In fact, the truth is coming alive will actually increase your experiences of joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain. For it is only an alive person who can feel those things. Being alive does not mean an absence of feeling; as though you have risen far above the fray and you are no longer affected by life’s exigencies and vicissitudes. The difference for me is this: those things no longer control my life.

When i was living in my addiction i was dead and numb to real love and honest passion. i was cold and detached from the pain of my own life, and that of others. But even still, those emotions and situations still had an effect on me. i may have been numb, but i was actually very much at the mercy of life’s stresses. i was easily swayed by life’s ebb and flow of joy and sorrow, which was so often mixed in my circumstances.

But as one coming alive, i have progressively become more attuned to the life of my own heart and the hearts of others. So now i can rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep, rather then simply spout that as wisdom others should follow even as i remain self-absorbed.

If i will enter in and engage with life, i will not escape the pain, the joy, the loneliness, the togetherness and everything else that passes between people as they truly relate to one another.

Sometimes coming alive feels very powerful, almost overwhelming. But i cannot go back to being a cold and timid soul who knows nothing of either victory or defeat.

 

The Book v. The Blog

i have noticed that anytime i am posting alot to the blog or have ideas for posting to the blog, there is a corresponding lack of time, creativity and success in working on the completion of my manuscript. Conversely, when i hit stride with making progress on the book, the blog goes unattended.

i am not entirely surprised by this. i have heard other writers say similar things. Notably Steve Lopez, who used to be columnist with the Philadelphia Inquirer spoke of the odd relationship between writing his columns for the paper and simultaneously working on, at that time, his first book 5th and Indiana.

The manuscript is in major re-write at the moment, so there is much to do. And getting time is very difficult, what with the day job, children and other aspects of life all at play.

 

6 Qualities To Defeat Addiction: The Audio

As promised in the post  6 Qualities to Defeat Addiction, the audio of the talk, called  “_The Long Run _ 15 Words or Less_” _ on which that post was based _ is now available. It was a sermon not intended specifically for addicts, but with plenty of applicability.

 

Key Characters In The Story

In life there are people, experiences and even specific moments which hold prominence based on how they fit into the course of The Story being written in each of our individual hearts.

For an addict, especially one such as myself who has been the recipient of great healing and freedom, the list of significant conversations and events can be quite long. My journals are full of stories; all of the many experiences which have shaped me and set the new course of the journey i have been on since everything came to light. Every great story is filled with significant characters who steer the plot and shape the direction, and my Story is like that.

Mark Tindall is one person who has been monumental in my life, from the days shortly before my addiction became public, to the present. This post was originally intended to appear on his birthday, which was last week, as a way to honor him. But, even though it is belated, it is still worth publishing.

Mark is my pastor now, senior pastor at Blue Route Vineyard, but when i first met him, he was just another pastor among many that i knew. That didn’t stop him from having a strong effect on me over lunch one day.

Roughly a week later, my porn addiction was out in the open. Ironically, what Mark had said to me that day over lunch had nothing to do with pornography or addiction. But there was something in the encounter and a challenge he gave me which did powerful work on my heart.

In the years since, Mark has preached sermons, talked with me, prayed over me and encouraged me into a deeper, more intimate life with Jesus.

If you are going to make it in this world, recovering from addiciton; living in freedom and growing as a person, you need a Mark in your life. It’s important to remember, and celebrate, the people and events which turn the tide from death to life.

Addiction has been likened by one writer to a banquet in the grave. Mark has repeatedly served me a banquet in the finest of homes.

Thanks, brother.

 

On Getting An ‘A’ For Effort

Andy Crouch’s site had this very interesting post the other day. The link he includes to 3 quarks daily on ‘True Grit’ is also instructive.

It  has nothing to do with addiction, or so it would seem at first glance. But linger a moment and see that the point of the excerpt and post, as well as the linked story, apply. If we only praise success and victory, addicts will never grow and see renewal. For all of the power of God displayed in my life in setting me free, there is still a requirement that i do some work. And every addict must apply himself as well to the process of healing.

This is not to be mistaken with fixing ourselves; relying on our own strength; or any variation on those thoughts. Rather, it’s Call and Response _ SO _ how will i respond? Persevering and putting forth the effort of renouncing the thoughts and images of my past is crucial. Training my mind and meditating on what is true, noble, right and pure requires something of me. Looking away when an advertisement jumps on the TV screen so as to protect myself from the temptation inherent in the visual is up to me.

But even when i don’t get it exactly right, a brotherhood which knows how to encourage the hard work, perseverance and effort is what provides me strength. And in our dealing with sin in general, it’s caring for the hearts of our brothers and sisters in this fashion which will make for a community of grace and endurance instead of a group of posers who rely on the appearance of performance for their false security.

 

6 Qualities To Defeat Addiction

Today’s message at BRV was not intended to addicts alone, but has great applicability for every person dealing with a dependency. The audio of the message will be available in a couple of days.

The structure of the message focused on 15 words that make it possible to go the distance in life. i have re-phrased them here as 6 qualities, indicating the core values _ if you will _ which lie at the heart of the matter. They are presented here in reverse order from that given by the speaker.

1. Joy
2. Reality, Honesty
3. Decision Making
4. Prayer
5. Gratitude
6. Obedience

A joyless life, who can bear? Our culture has a taste for cynicism and gloominess, which are often made to seem mature and sophisticated. But in truth, a lack of joy will result in resentment, which will harden us and leave us spent. So many addicts are joyless. It’s the cruel lie played out. The addiction, especially pornography, promises joy, excitement and fulfillment. It brings none of those things. It leaves us jaded; more cynical than when we started. And it increasingly robs us of the ability to experience joy at all.

Reality and honesty are crucial for the addict. Deception, duplicity and fantasy are the hallmarks of the porn addict’s life. It takes a certain amount of courage to be honest. Addicts lack that courage. But once truth telling breaks into an addicts world, the deception starts to crumble. Initially this is cause for fear in the addict’s heart. But the taste of freedom it brings is overwhelming.

Decision making _ also called stewardship in the talk today _ means learning to say “no” to some things. Having the wisdom to know what things to choose and say “Yes” to is challenging enough without the clouded mind and heart which come from indulging an addiction.

Prayer. Self explanatory.

Gratitude is somewhat of a lost art. But actually being thankful for things, from the simplest to the greatest, will change how you see yourself and the world. Am i entitled and angry, or am i grateful and at peace? For the addict, so much of the fuel for the behavior comes from a heart attitude of anger and entitlement.

Obedience is a tough word, even for people who are supposed to know how to do it because they know God _ at least somewhat. But saying “No” and “Yes” as per decision making, begs a deeper question: “To what things should i say “No” or “Yes?” The heart of the Father toward us is good, and saying “Yes” to Him is always they way in to a quality of life unmatched by anything in mere human terms.

As addicts we need these 6 qualities. It is a great lie we battle that we can have any of these qualities while indulging our addictions. There will be no Joy, Peace, Honesty, Clarity in decision making or deep satisfaction of any kind found in our addiction. The pages of the porn magazine; the scenes in a porn video; and the countless other places we might look for a little fleshy excitement and pleasure will lead us far away to cynical anger and grinding resentment that the world pisses us off and never really meets our needs or desires.

The path to real freedom is paved with these 6 qualities: Joy, Reality/Honesty, Decision Making, Prayer, Gratitude and Obedience.

 

The Story: Feeling Like An Orphan

The thoughts expressed in this post on fatherlessness are much more common among men than most people realize.

The Story has many plot developments. Central to the Story for men is the need, and often the absence of, a father. Not in a physical sense, usually. Rather, in the true relational sense; the emotional and spiritual sense.

All men carry wounds of one kind or another, and when it comes to our relationships with our fathers, we can feel like orphans. Even the best earthly fathers are flawed, they cannot give us everything we want emotionally. The result can be a confusion for us as to what it means to be a man; a fear that as we enter adulthood we don’t have what it takes when it counts — to quote John Eldredge.

There are strong ties between fatherlessness and addictions of any variety; porn addiction especially.

One of the unique aspects of porn indulgence is how the medium itself is a counterfeit for authentic masculinity. And the more we consume, the more our ideas of masculinity are warped. Our feelings of fatherlessness fuel the indulgence because one of the things we are looking for in our viewing of pornography is the affirmation that we are indeed men. If our relationships with our fathers has left us lacking confidence, we are much more prone to seek our answers in pornography.

This is the healing we need from our Heavenly Father. When we allow Him to speak to the wounds of our fatherlessness, we can be made whole and no longer be orphans.